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My goal this month was to read and review Marcia Francois’ new book Live Organised and I am happy to report that I have succeeded!

I read the book yesterday despite an overfull schedule. The great thing about this book is that it suits its target audience perfectly. If you are an overwhelmed or disorganized person the last thing you want is a detailed tome with specific instructions and routines that will take a huge amount of time and effort to understand and implement. Marcia Francois’ book meets this audience perfectly. Her book reads very quickly and easily, packing in some insights about the psychology of organising as well as some organising tips.

Francois has a unique voice and is able to get to the high level importance of organization without getting buried in too many details. She also is very direct and honest. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the book, made into cute little quote boxes a la the latest blogging trend. (I hope Marcia Francois isn’t too appalled! It wouldn’t be her style to do them herself but hope she can appreciate it when someone else does them.)

She also discusses two topics that are important to me personally about organising: perfectionism and environmentalism. Francois does not advocate a Martha-Stewart style approach and instead advocates a “just enough” organising strategy. Francois gives many creative suggestions for re-use of containers such as glass jars and cereal boxes in organising efforts.

At the end of the book, she also provides “15 Tools to Organise Your Home and Life,” in the form of several worksheets and checklist that help you do things such as set goals and create a travel checklist.

For American readers, there are some fun English language uses in this book. The first being the use of an “s” instead of a “z” in the word “organise.” Other word choices include “bin” (instead of garbage can or wastebasket), “costume” (instead of bathing suit), “plasters” (instead of Band Aids), and “lip ice” (lip balm?) but these in no way interfere with the comprehension of the overall message.

This book will appeal in particular to two groups of readers: those who are just getting started in their organising efforts and those who want a quick motivational reference to continue their own organising efforts. This book is truly a quick, accessible, not overwhelming, reference and packs a big punch for little reading effort. Watch Marcia Francois’ blog for details about giveaways and special offers to get extra value for your purchase.

Which is your favorite Francois quote? Please share in the comments.

When I am learning about something new, I like to read broadly from a variety of opinions before forming my own. In my investor educational activities, I came across this offer from Newsmax to get a copy of a book called Aftershock for just the cost of shipping (about $5) plus 3 free 3-month subscriptions to their newsletters. (It looks like they have now changed the offer to cost $47, but refundable.) The advertising surrounding the book is pretty slick and definitely makes you fearful. The authors of Aftershock (David and Robert Wedemer and Cindy Spitzer) apparently gained a lot of credibility because their economic model predicted the fall of the housing market.

Note: Apparently there are 2 books out there that are both called Aftershock. (This is one of those interesting examples of one of the exceptions to copyright law that there is no copyright in book titles.) One is by former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich and is subtitled: “The Next Economy and America’s Future.” The one I purchased is by economist David Wiedemer, Robert Wiedemer and Cindy Spitzer and is subtitled: “Protect Yourself and Profit in the Next Global Financial Meltdown.”

So the book arrived and I put it on my bedside table. For weeks, it just sat there and it made me nervous to even think about it. Sometimes I would lie awake at night and worry about what would happen to us if there really was another economic event of the magnitude of the Great Depression. As the book continued to sit there, my nervousness went away and I kind of forgot about it. When this month’s Ruly theme came around, though, I set a goal for myself to actually read the book and figure out what, if anything I needed to do about it.

First – a 30-second summary of the book:

Pages 1 – 150 – a review of economic theory and factors driving our current economy, such as deficit spending, quantitative easing, etc. and the authors’ predictions and interpretations about what is likely to come as a result of this
Pages 153 – 230 – generalized investing and job advice about what to do to if the authors’ predictions are correct
Pages 231- 289 – the authors’ view of what is wrong with the economics profession and why we don’t get better economic predictions, the authors’ response to criticism about their work and an epilogue about factors influencing the markets

I won’t go into the authors’ specific investing recommendations since that is the reason why they want you to buy the book. I will say that my own take on them is that if you just skipped the first part of the book discussing economic theory and went right to the investing recommendations, you are probably going to take away an over-simplified view and you could end up making some very bad decisions. The authors pitch their financial consulting services in the book and for some of these strategies you probably don’t want to make them without getting some professional advice. Also, the authors recommend some strategies that are probably too risky for most of us. After all, you have to maintain your skepticism, pause and think, “What if I do all of this and the authors are wrong?”

So while there are some things in this book that I definitely won’t be doing, I have to say that the information has given me pause. Their argument is pretty convincing. In my dream world, we would hand a copy of this book to every member of Congress and lock them in the Capitol for a giant read-athon.

For example, based on the information from this book, I created the chart below of options to finance the U.S. government.

As you can see, we have pretty much taken off the table half of our options to avoid a crisis, simply because no one wants to give up anything. So we are proceeding with two other options that aren’t as helpful and possibly harmful. Real change, however, would likely mean that we balance the budget, pay down the debt, raise taxes AND cut benefits. Nobody gets any deals or special treatment. It is all just shared pain. You either pay more or get less. Nobody wants this, of course, but when you see what these authors model as the alternative, this stinginess sounds far better.

For example, here is another simple chart I made illustrating the authors’ points just on the impact of quantitative easing:

Since, unfortunately, it is unlikely that we can get everyone to agree to compromises on taxes or spending, we start heading down this economically destructive path.

There were many wonderful quotes from this book, including several on the psychology of wealth management:

“Change is threatening, inaction equals safety, and comfort comes from avoiding any changes that might threaten the benefits of the status quo. “

“The psychological advantage of [imagined Armageddon] is the opportunity to feel like passive victims in order to avoid the discomfort of having to make real decisions that bring about real change.”

“[P]lease don’t focus so much on your wallet that you forget what really makes life so worthwhile. . . [R]emember, the potential for happiness is actually always available to us because it comes, not from money or from things, but from other people. We need to remember this when money is flowing in our lives, and even more so when it is not.”

“Today, good judgment and taking risks are critical to making money and will be even more so in the future. In fact, good judgment and taking risks will be critical to simply holding onto your money in the future.”

“The combination of the demand to get . . . and the rewards of the good life . . . has been a one-two punch to creative . . . thought.” (referring to economists but I thought it should be edited to be applicable to us all!)

“[I]f your head says, ‘This book makes sense’ but your heart says, ‘I want my bubble back!’ then take a few deep breaths or have a few stiff drinks or take a nap but, whatever it takes, get over it and get on with your new life in the new economy.”

–David Wiedemer, Robert A. Wiedemer and Cindy Spitzer, excerpts from Aftershock: Protect Yourself and Profit in the Next Global Financial Meltdown

I’ll have to add this book to the growing list of professionals (Suze Orman and Peter Walsh among them) who are telling us that things have radically changed. We may be feeling a little of this change now but these professionals seem to be telling us that more is to come!

Perhaps it is time for that nap . . . .

I would encourage anyone to read this book, particularly if you feel like you have no idea what is going on in the world economy anymore. There is a lot of complexity there but this has been the best source I have seen so far at boiling it down to relatively simple explanations. Also, the authors make a good case that we are at a point in economic history that we have never really seen before and it is helpful to understand why.

While I certainly hope for intervening events that alter these authors’ predictions, this is an important book for all of us to be aware of.

How do you react to fearful economic news? Would you rather know what could be coming or just let it hit you by surprise? Please share in the comments.

Other than being a customer, I have no affiliation with Newsmax or the authors of Aftershock.

I was so excited to be asked to review Peter Walsh’s latest book, Lighten Up. If you have been with me from the beginning of this blog, you know that the very first organizing book I reviewed was Peter Walsh’s classic uncluttering book: “It’s All Too Much: An Easier Plan for Living a Richer Life with Less Stuff.”

Peter Walsh is the Jedi Knight of streamlining and uncluttering. He has written books on reducing physical stuff, weight loss and mental clutter. He pushes all of us to focus our lives, prioritize and eliminate distractions from everything except those things that bring us true happiness. It’s an intense, difficult goal and Peter Walsh is the tough love messenger. In his latest book, Peter Walsh takes us to the most emotionally charged issue of the moment. . . money. The subtitle of Lighten Up is “Love What you Have, Have What You Need” (and the hardest to hear) “Be Happier With Less.”

Peter Walsh’s special gift is that he is able to deliver messages that have the equivalent emotional impact of being hit in the head with a 2 x 4 and we still love him and listen to him!

Imagine with me, for a moment, that Peter Walsh is the star of a TV special on the difficult economy, promoting Lighten Up. First, he parachutes into the middle of the Occupy Wall Street movement (why parachute? . . . well, it’s just more dramatic that way), pulls out a megaphone and shouts to the unsuspecting crowd:

“You may think the tension in your life stems from your unpaid student loans but is it really coming from the fact that you haven’t figured out what you want to do with your life and you hate your current job? Be honest.”

–Peter Walsh, Lighten Up

He then goes knocking on the doors of the parents of Occupy Wall Street protesters, with this message:

“When your home is overrun with clutter and debt, you’re channeling a hopeless message of I don’t like this but I can’t change it into your children . . . They learn to push away their emotions like you and absorb a message of powerlessness.”

–Peter Walsh, Lighten Up

He then visits a giant stadium filled with a mixed crowd of: homeowners deeply underwater on their mortgages and facing foreclosure; seniors who have drained their meager 401(k) savings and are living on Social Security; people who have been unemployed 99 weeks (and counting) and homeless families living in hotel rooms and unable to afford sufficient food. His message:

“[N]o matter how many people contribute to your life and your problems, you have to take a personal stand all on your own. . . . The path to happiness starts with you owning the life you have. Until you take no less than 100 percent responsibility for your life—and your choices, your debts, your failures, your disappointments, your unhappiness, and so on—you won’t ever gain financial freedom.”

–Peter Walsh, Lighten Up

Whoa! That would make for some intense discussion.

Peter Walsh is not wrong in this message but it is still a tough message to hear.

If you follow the latest economic news, you can terrify yourself. No one knows what the economic path forward from here looks like. Most of us, emotionally, are still in a place where we think that the economy will eventually rebound to exactly where it was before and that we just need to tough out a few difficult years. But there are those who believe that the world has just drastically and dramatically changed, that there could be even worse years yet to come, that we may never get back to the way it was before and that is time for everyone to adjust to the new economic reality and plan the way forward.

I would count Suze Orman’s latest book in support of the latter proposition and Peter Walsh is on that track too. If the whole idea that life as we know it has dramatically changed overnight is terrifying to you, take heart that Peter Walsh is there to guide you through the process and the new world is not all bleak.

“Most of us need an attitude adjustment at two big levels. One, we need to shift our emotional relationship with money from one of fear to one of empowerment; and two, we need to change our sense of entitlement.”

–Peter Walsh, Lighten Up

Lighten Up takes you through a series of life audits, asking you to examine your goals for your life, your relationships with others, your money and your possessions. Peter Walsh draws the connection between cluttered and disorganized possessions and cluttered and disorganized lives.

“When most people think of clutter they think of the stuff that fills their garage or closets, of all those things strewn across kitchen countertops, and the flood of paperwork that seems insurmountable. If that’s your concept of clutter I need you to think much more broadly. In the work that I do clutter means anything that stands between you and the vision you have for your best life—it’s so much more than just the stuff. Those repeated bad decisions you make in your relationship? Clutter. Your anger and anxiety at work? Clutter. That voice in your head that tells you you’re not worthy of happiness? Clutter. The thoughts and feelings that constantly say you don’t deserve to be happy? Clutter. The fear and self-loathing that consume your days now that life ain’t what it used to be when money was abundant? Clutter.”

–Peter Walsh, Lighten Up

The only minor point I would disagree with Peter Walsh about here is that it isn’t always the case that people disorganized with physical possessions are disorganized with money as well. I have also seen plenty of examples of people with perfect physical organization whose financial lives are chaotic. But I believe he is correct that we all have clutter in our lives somewhere and that that clutter spills over and affects every facet of our lives.

Lighten Up asks some deep and thoughtful questions. The sections on money and financial responsibility were primarily aimed at those struggling with basic budgeting issues. People who need to scale back or people who disagree with their partner or children about where to cut expenses will find this section extremely helpful. There is even a nod to this month’s Ruly theme about healthy eating at home.  If you feel that you have a good handle on this aspect of your financial planning you may find the financial section a bit light, but will still learn from his audit questions. All of us, however, will learn something from the relationship and possession audits.

Overall, Lighten Up is a brave work that asks all of us to face the economic downturn head on and do the difficult work necessary to transition to what lies ahead, which Peter Walsh argues (and supports with insightful testimonials from his readers and clients) will ultimately lead us all to deeper happiness.

“Remember, change starts at home. We cannot expect (nor should we ever) that our government will bail us out and fix the problems that were a collective force in the making to begin with. If there’s one thing that I want you to take away from this book, it’s that you can make a tremendous difference in your own life—and even in the world at large—if you commit to just cleaning up your own little space.”

–Peter Walsh, Lighten Up

I would strongly encourage anyone struggling with the economic crisis to give Peter Walsh’s book a read and I thank him for getting us out of our comfort zones and empowering us all to embrace the future and not fear it.

How do you respond to Peter Walsh’s call for change? Please share in the comments.

Apologies for the posting delay, but my nerves are in a much better state today and ready to continue our discussion of school organization strategies.

Today’s book review continues the exploration of why some children seem to be particularly challenged by school and what frustrated parents can do to help their children succeed academically. Psychologist Richard Selznick, Ph.D.’s book The Shut-Down Learner: Helping your Academically Discouraged Child argues that many of the children parents and teachers write off simplistically as “unmotivated,” “not trying hard enough” or “ADD” are actually suffering from a variety of learning challenges. One of the primary challenges for these learners is that their brains tend to be wired to be exceptionally strong with spatial and visual perception but far weaker in language skills. While many of these learners tend to be boys, girls are also affected.

“I also refer to these kids as Lego kids. Lego play is the perfect medium for the child who is being described. . . . In the conference setting, one parent after another will tell me that their kid loved to play with Lego bricks when they were younger. . . . A typical dialogue goes like this. . .

‘When he was five he built these really complex designs from his mind. He was so creative. I thought he was a genius. What happened? How could he go from doing something so well to failing in school?’

What happened is the curriculum got in the way. The child was thriving when he was in a classroom that tapped into his strengths. As the curriculum shifted in the first grade to more language-based activities, the decline in confidence and performance started.

–Richard Selznick, Ph.D., The Shut-Down Learner

Shut-Down Learners also tend to be very strong with computers and hooking up various electronic systems. They tend to avoid tasks like reading and “find writing deadly.”

“It is my impression that many of the kids considered ADD or ADHD have difficulty, albeit subtle, with the processing of complex verbal and written language. While they may look severely inattentive, often their inattention is largely a functional weakness from taking in too much language and information that they do not understand readily. Their circuits become overloaded and shut down.”

–Richard Selznick, Ph.D., The Shut-Down Learner

Dr. Selznick points out the many good attributes of Shut-Down Learners, however. They can be very intelligent, creative children and may be demonstrating this in various ways that are not appreciated by the school system. For example:

“I recently assessed Brian, a twelve-year-old boy who struggled in school. His teachers saw him as disconnected, uninterested and unmotivated. Yet his mother said he spent much of his weekend at the nearby pond collecting animal and plant life for elaborate terrariums that he set up in his garage. The terrariums were incredibly sophisticated, showing creativity and a real depth of understanding, yet the same kid was getting a D in science.”

–Richard Selznick, Ph.D., The Shut-Down Learner

Dr. Selznick’s book goes into detail about the specific language problems shut-down learners are facing and what to do about them. Some of his recommendations include individualized interventions by a “learning therapist,” reinvigorating a system of vocational education in our schools and finding ways within the school system and within the family to forge positive emotional connections that support self-esteem and emphasize what the child does well.

On the latter point, I was most impressed when I first started reading this book with Dr. Selznick’s dedication.

“This book is dedicated to the memory of my father, Mel Selznick, who would never let a child shut down on his watch.

Reminding me that it ‘is often the intangibles that matter most with children.’ No one understood the art of developing a child’s self-esteem better than he did.”

–Richard Selznick, Ph.D., The Shut-Down Learner

With such a beautiful tribute, I knew Dr. Selznick must be a special person himself and the book proved this to be the case. Dr. Selznick, although not a Shut-Down Learner type himself, identifies with the Shut-Down Learner and appears to bridge the gap for these children. The last section of the book provides success stories from several children Dr. Selznick worked with, showing the promising careers shut-down learners can achieve with the right coaching and interventions.

I really enjoyed this book. It is particularly interesting if you know someone who is a high-spatial learner as you will see that person reflected in so many of the examples Dr. Selznick provides. This book should be required reading for all teachers and for any parent who believes their child could do better in school if he/she just “tried harder.”

Dr. Selznick was kind enough to answer some interview questions for Ruly, below:

Ruly: Many parents are first alerted their child has a problem with school by a teacher who recommends the child (usually a boy) be screened for ADHD. What advice would you give to a parent who has just received this recommendation?

Dr. Selznick: There is tremendous variation in the field in terms of the nature of assessments and “screening for ADHD” can mean many things depending upon whose professional doorstep. For me the most important early screening (that is often overlooked by the schools), is the one that would screen for whether the child is at risk for a reading/learning disability. Children who are at risk can be predicted and identified quite accurately in kindergarten and first grade. Most struggling children in the early years have trouble with the development of core skills – this leads to much off-task behavior.

Ruly: Aside from ADHD what other mental health conditions are commonly found in shut-down learners?

Dr. Selznick: I tend to think of the shut-down learner kids as predominantly a combination of reading/learning disability and ADHD as a general theme. Certainly, as the kids get older other emotional issues can become more pronounced, such as anxiety, anger/oppositional behavior and perhaps depression, as a result of the long term struggling.

Ruly: In the book you mention several times that a shut-down learner simply cannot perform at a high level on language-related tasks no matter the effort put forth. This is likely to be discouraging news for parents and kids. Is the situation really that hopeless?

Dr. Selznick: I hope I wasn’t that negative. I certainly don’t think that way when I am assessing and interacting with the kids and their family. Mine is not a deficit-based approach. I am trying to emphasize that these kids do have wonderful strengths. (See the “Million Dollar Challenge” in terms of the approach and mindset.) I try and have kids walk out of the center after they’ve been assessed feeling pretty good about themselves. Verbal skills and language abilities are very responsive to good remediation. Vocabulary, for example, is one of the best skills to target. I emphasize the language based issues in the book, because they are at the core of the kid’s struggling and the parents need to understand it so they can target it more specifically. Also note the section on comprehension. Teaching comprehension is teaching language, by and large.

Ruly: When I read the list of high-spatial characteristics to my husband, he said they sounded like “geek” interests. I find it troubling to know that our school system may be discouraging large numbers of our future scientists and engineers. If the school system were to change to adapt to shut-down learners, what types of changes would occur? Would we see a return to gender-segregated classes since shut-down learners tend to be boys more than girls?

Dr. Selznick: So exciting to let you know that a school in South Jersey has made curriculum change specifically inspired by the Shut Down Learner. It’s a bit too detailed to get into for the moment, but go on my website www.shutdownlearner.com and check out the blog from a couple months back on the Logan School. I think the blog is called “The Game Changer.”

Many thanks to Dr. Selznick for his interview responses and his wonderful book! Since reading this book, it has changed my perspective dramatically and I believe that more schools need to take a look at the Shut-Down Learner concerns and implement change.

Now that I am aware of the issue, I am seeing references to the Shut-Down Learner problem in many different areas. For example, Don Peck’s interesting article in The Atlantic Monthly, “Can the Middle Class Be Saved?” mirrors a lot of Dr. Selznick’s observations and recommendations.

“One of the great puzzles of the past 30 years has been the way that men, as a group, have responded to the declining market for blue-collar jobs. Opportunities have expanded for college graduates over that span, and for nongraduates, jobs have proliferated within the service sector (at wages ranging from rock-bottom to middling). Yet in the main, men have pursued neither higher education nor service jobs. The proportion of young men with a bachelor’s degree today is about the same as it was in 1980. And as the sociologists Maria Charles and David Grusky noted in their 2004 book, Occupational Ghettos, while men and women now mix more easily on different rungs of the career ladder, many industries and occupations have remained astonishingly segregated, with men continuing to seek work in a dwindling number of manual jobs, and women “crowding into nonmanual occupations that, on average, confer more pay and prestige. . . .

As we continue to push for better K–12 schooling and wider college access, we also need to build more paths into the middle class that do not depend on a four-year college degree. One promising approach, as noted by Haskins and Sawhill, is the development of ‘career academies’—schools of 100 to 150 students, within larger high schools, offering a curriculum that mixes academic coursework with hands-on technical courses designed to build work skills.”

–Don Peck, “Can the Middle Class Be Saved?” The Atlantic Monthly, September 2011.

Also, the PBS documentary, Between the Folds, offered fascinating insight into the visual-spatial mind. You can’t get much more visual-spatial than origami. The documentary interviewed numerous origami artists all over the world (all men), many of whom were also scientists or engineers at prestigious universities. Interestingly, while these men began their fascination with origami as children and just liked to do it for fun, some eventually merged their pastime with their professional interests and found uses for origami in product packaging, pharmaceutical research and other areas.

In a curious twist on this subject, Anderson Cooper’s interview with Marshall Mathers (rapper Eminem) on 60 Minutes had a fascinating section (approximately 4:57 – 7:40) where Eminem discusses how he “bends words” to create unique rhymes, including a demonstration of numerous words he can think of that rhyme with “orange” and his filing system for his ideas. Despite Eminem’s obvious language abilities and his recreational dictionary reading, he also never did well in school and only completed the ninth grade.

Were you a shut-down learner in school? Do you know someone who fits this criteria? How do you feel about revamping our school systems to adjust to visual-spatial learners? Please share in the comments.

Last week was a huge event for our family. We welcomed a wonderful boy! Our son is tiny and cute and his arrival requires that my husband and I update our parenting skills to learn more about raising boys.

Ana Homayoun’s book, That Crumpled Paper was Due Last Week: Helping Disorganized and Distracted Boys Succeed in School and Life, was a timely read. Ms. Homayoun is a former financial analyst for a major Wall Street firm turned educational organizer. Her specialty is helping junior high and high school age children, particularly boys, organize their time and energy to do better in school.

Why the focus on boys? Certainly girls have many of the same organizational challenges when it comes to school. Ms. Homayoun gives a couple of data points here:

“Scientists have discovered in recent years that the brains of men and women seem to be wired differently; women can more easily handle language-based multi-tasking—writing notes while listening to someone speak, for instance—while men are superior at spatial-based multi-tasking, which comes in handy in sports and videogames, but is rarely any help in the classroom. . . .”

–Ana Homayoun, That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week

She also indicates that since boys end puberty as many as three years later than girls, differences in brain maturation rates also account for why boys struggle with school more often than girls. While the book focuses solely on the needs of pre-teen and teenage boys, the advice can be easily translated to girls or even adults.

First, a few things not to do . . .

1) Don’t take it personally. If your son is disorganized or not doing well in school, don’t assume that this is a reflection of your poor parenting or example.

“I meet a lot of parents who feel personally embarrassed and guilty about their son’s poor academic performance, detachment from school, and general malaise. Yet by complaining about their son’s shortcomings, they are actually (unwittingly) creating a more toxic environment. The parents who come into my office assuming the worst of their child (“He never gets it . . . he’s always doing this”) are often the ones digging their children—and themselves—a bigger hole, complete with the emotional baggage that makes it more difficult for their children to become organized, responsible and accountable.”

–Ana Homayoun, That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week

2) Don’t get too involved.

“Some moms who come into my office are terrifically organized—nearly perfectly so . . . and they wonder why their sons are so disorganized. Part of the problem is, of course, that with Mom so on top of it, these sons have never been forced to develop such skills on their own. When confronted with the need to organize themselves, they consequently react with frustration and, finally, give up on organization altogether.”

–Ana Homayoun, That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week

3) Don’t pay your child for grades.

“To help your child grow and develop as a student and a person, he needs to feel comfortable making mistakes and growing within his own abilities. By bribing him, you are setting the bar where you think it should be instead of allowing him to develop the intrinsic motivation that, who knows, could likely have him one day exceeding your wildest expectations.”

–Ana Homayoun, That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week

4) Don’t complain about your son’s shortcomings in his presence.

“By humiliating him, you’re telling him that mistakes and failure are synonymous; they’re not. If they were, we’d all be getting Fs every day of our lives.”

–Ana Homayoun, That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week

Ms. Homayoun then outlines 8 different personality types typically associated with disorganized boys. (Again, I think you can apply these personality types to just about anyone. I certainly found myself among the types.) The reasons for disorganization can vary from the “Over-Scheduled Procrastinator” to the “Sincere Slacker.” Different organizational techniques may be required to address each personality type.

Ms. Homayoun emphasizes the need to set goals with your student and gives child-appropriate questions to ask to help develop these goals. Ms. Homayoun encourages the whole family to get in on the act and post their goals in a public spot. Regularly, the family should check in with each other to see how everyone is doing with their goals.

“In coming up with these goals, students are taking two very important steps: They’re establishing a clear purpose and path for accomplishing what they want to accomplish, and they’re beginning to view being organized as an important part of finding their own personal pathway.”

–Ana Homayoun, That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week

For those excited about purchasing school supplies, Ms. Homayoun also has a chapter on specific organizational techniques. A few tips (and some examples from amazon.com) . . .

• She prefers binders, one for each subject, including subjects that don’t generally have a lot of paperwork, like music or P.E. Her argument is that everything generates at least some paperwork and you need a slot to put that in. Within each binder, create five tabs: notes, homework, handouts, tests/quizzes and paper.
• She prefers “reinforced binder paper” to prevent paper from tearing at the holes.
• Since creating flash cards is one of her recommended techniques for studying, she recommends that you purchase recipe card or index card boxes to store the flash cards in for easy access.
• All students need a planner and she recommends planners that provide one full page for each school day (surprisingly hard to find!).

Wilson Jones (W362-14W) 3-Hole View Binder, 1-Inch Rings, 11 Inch by 8 1/2 Inch, White at amazon.com.
Pendaflex Oxford Blank Index Cards, 3x5 Inches, White, 1000 cards at zmazon.com.	Plastic Index Card File Box, 300 3"x5" Card Capacity at amazon.com.
Academic Year Daily Business Planners - July 2011 at amazon.com.	Avery WorkSaver Insertable Tab Dividers, 5-Tab Set, 1 Set at amazon.com.

Ms. Homayoun’s expertise in the school environment really shows. She has chapters on learning differences, separation/divorce and chronic illness. She discusses the impact of technology on this age group, including cell phones, Facebook and online learning management systems. She suggests ideal study areas in the home–notably not in the child’s bedroom– and homework and test strategies.

For more from Ms. Homayoun, see the video clip below:

This book was a great read both for parents who have children in middle and high school as well as those, like myself, who have many years until that time. It was helpful to get a preview of the organizational skills kids need as they progress in school and has challenged me to come up with simple ways to begin developing these skills in my children now.

Do you agree that boys struggle more with school organization than girls? What techniques have you found especially helpful for organizing boys? Please share in the comments.

In the last post, we saw the experience of Tiger Mother Amy Chua and her intense approach to raising her multi-talented girls. As a study in contrasts, I wanted to compare Amy Chua’s experience with that of author Sandra Tsing Loh. Both women have similar backgrounds but have ultimately pursued dramatically different careers and have taken different parenting approaches.

My husband and I adore Sandra Tsing Loh’s writing. When The Atlantic Monthly arrives, my husband always alerts me when one of her columns is inside. It is always honest and entertaining reading. In addition to insight on issues like race, class and feminism, Ms. Tsing Loh has written about her divorce and, recently, her thoughts on parenting and Amy Chua.

Ms. Tsing Loh’s most recent book is Mother on Fire: A True Motherf%#$@ Story About Parenting! The book is a memoir of Ms. Tsing Loh’s experience trying to find an appropriate kindergarten program for her eldest child in the Los Angeles area. Scared off from the Los Angeles public school system by numerous friends and a raft of poor school performance statistics, she begins a journey to locate an appropriate private school. What follows is a fascinating journey into how education is conducted today and how one mother finds balance between the competing pressures of providing excellent educational opportunities for one’s children and confronting economic reality.

Similarities Between Ms. Chua and Ms. Tsing Loh

Both Ms. Chua and Ms. Tsing Loh were raised by fairly strict Chinese parents. Both had a father in the sciences who pushed academic excellence and was very frugal about spending money. Both were forced to study the piano. Both went on to prestigious universities: Ms. Chua to Harvard and Ms. Tsing Loh to Cal-Tech. Both realized in college that they were perhaps on the wrong path.

“Understand that my father is not the sort of Chinese immigrant who has ever suffered low expectations for his children. Ever since I was little, it was clear that if we girls could not actually bring home the Nobel Prize in physics, then becoming head of NASA or president of Harvard College would do. Or if we had to feed a wild, artsy, creative urge . . . conductor of the London Philharmonic. . . .

My dad was obsessed with the great waste of time that was the liberal arts. Every bad thing in life was attributed to it. . . . I started as an overachiever. Pushed by my parents, I earned an 800 Math SAT in high school and a perfect score on AP calculus . . . And so of course I went off to college to major in physics. . . . [A]t [Cal-Tech] the great science school, [I] wrote comedic articles. That was my Caltech career—bombing my tests and writing funny pieces about it for our unread student paper! To wit:

‘. . . I believe I’m on the short list of candidates for patron saint of those lost at Caltech. Junior year, I have been assigned as physics lab partner classmate Sekhar Chivukula, widely renowned as a genius. Of our pairing it is said: ‘Sekhar will do the calculations. Sandra will handle the radioactive samples. . . . ’”

–Sandra Tsing Loh, Mother on Fire

“[A]ll my life I’ve made important decisions for the wrong reasons. I started off as an applied mathematics major at Harvard because I thought it would please my parents; I dropped it after my father, watching me struggling with a problem set over winter break, told me I was in over my head, saving me. But then I mechanically switched to economics because it seemed vaguely sciencelike. . . I went to law school, mainly because I didn’t want to go to medical school. . . . But I always worried that law really wasn’t my calling. . . . After graduating I went to a Wall Street law firm because it was the path of least resistance.”

–Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

Interestingly, today, both Ms. Chua and Ms. Tsing Loh admire most the careers of authors like Amy Tan and would gladly trade places with Ms. Tan as the premiere voice of Chinese-inspired literature in America.

“I decided to write an epic novel. Unfortunately, I had no talent for novel writing, as [my husband’s] polite coughs and forced laughter while he read my manuscript should have told me. What’s more Maxine Hong Kingston, Amy Tan and Jung Chang all beat me to it . . . . At first, I was bitter and resentful, but then I got over it and came up with a new idea. Combining my law degree with my own family’s background, I would write about law and ethnicity in the developing world.”

–Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

“My goal was to achieve early success as a writer, preferably by the age of twenty-five. . . . Then would come the six-figure advance for a novel. Then would come . . . what? I guess more novels. . . . Looking ahead, I saw that my forties promised to be less a maturing than a kind of extraordinary goldening. I envisioned these as my Yo Yo Ma/Amy Tan years. This would be a seasoned, a leavened time of life when the artist travels around the country accepting lifetime awards and honorary medals from the President, the Queen, Bill Moyers. These would be the PBS years, the Lincoln Center years . . . One would be inducted into the Smithsonian as a National Treasure . . . .”

–Sandra Tsing Loh, Mother on Fire

Both women also went on marry non-Chinese men. Ms. Chua married a Jewish man named Jed she met on the Harvard Law Review and Ms. Tsing Loh, a musician named Mike. Their marriages caused them to confront questions about their own racial identity and their familial obligations to perpetuate Chinese culture in America.

“When I was four, my father said to me, ‘You will marry a non-Chinese over my dead body.’ But I ended up marrying Jed, and today my husband and my father are the best of friends. . . . A tiny part of me regrets that I didn’t marry another Chinese person and worries that I am letting down four thousand years of civilization.”

–Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

Ms. Tsing Loh and I share the interesting fact that our children generally look nothing like us. Genetics are truly surprising and variable. In Ms. Tsing Loh’s case, her mother was German and her dad Chinese. Ms. Tsing Loh would be generally recognized by most people as Asian. She married a fair-skinned, fair-haired man and had two blonde daughters!

“Of Chinese-German extraction, I could be said to look Hispanic. And with my two blonde daughters . . . ? . . . From a racial point of view, it looks like either I’m their Third World nanny or I stole my white babies.”

–Sandra Tsing Loh, Mother on Fire

Likewise, I am a brown-haired, brown eyed, Mediterranean-influenced mom with a blonde and a strawberry blonde daughter. I cannot tell you how many people have asked me recently when I am out and about in my pregnant state with my two daughters in tow whether this will be my first child! I must look like the nanny too!

Differences Between Ms. Tsing Loh and Ms. Chua

As you can tell from many of the excerpts above, the biggest difference between Ms. Tsing Loh and Ms. Chua is that Ms. Tsing Loh has made strides toward not living her life to please her parents while Ms. Chua still seems to still struggle with the issue.

Ms. Tsing Loh uses humor to make peace with the upbringing she received from her her well-intentioned but overbearing parents. She is self-deprecating and has no pretensions about herself or her children . . . or anyone else’s for that matter.

“I remember when Jonathan and Aimee’s son Ben first developed his extraordinary childhood gift for the violin. Jonathan was especially thrilled at how much Ben clearly loved playing, how passionate Ben was about music, ‘I never had that,’ Jonathan said, ‘that love of music. For me growing up, practicing was always a chore.’ ‘That’s wonderful,’ I said. ‘Perhaps Ben can grow up to become a musician, a real working musician like Mike, and move out to where we live in Van Nuys.’ Jonathan visibly started, checked himself. Then added: ‘Well, there are plenty of surgeons who enjoy playing the violin!’

–Sandra Tsing Loh, Mother on Fire

Ms. Chua is still trying to please her parents, even though it appears her parents have grown and moved on and no longer have the same stringent set of expectations they did when raising Ms. Chua and her sisters. For example, when Ms. Chua is struggling to get second daughter Lulu to do as she wishes, her parents intervene:

“My mother, who was close to Lulu (they were e-mail pen pals), told me flat out, ‘You have to stop being so stubborn, Amy. You’re too strict with Lulu—to extreme. You’re going to regret it.

‘Why are you turning on me now?’ I shot back. ‘This is how you raised me.’

“You can’t do what Daddy and I did,’ my mother replied. ‘Things are different now.’

–Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

Yet even Ms. Tsing Loh can’t escape her desire for parental approval altogether, nor the guilt of wondering whether she is doing enough for her children. Her personal journey and the resulting educational choice she made for her children forces us to examine our own insecurities and dreams, and confront the pain of rejection and the limitations, small and large, imposed by one’s place in the American economic pecking order.

Through Ms. Tsing Loh’s and Ms. Chua’s experiences, we see that the desire for parental love and approval continues far beyond childhood and never truly ends. We also see that once an expectation is set in the minds of children, it is very hard to erase, even when the parent has a change of heart years later.

Do you sympathize more with Ms. Tsing Loh or Ms. Chua? As a parent, Is it worse to push too hard or push too little? Please share in the comments.

The quintessential perfectionist mom of the moment is Amy Chua, author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. This memoir detailing Ms. Chua’s approach to raising her two daughters, Sophia and Lulu, is supposedly about the differences in child-rearing philosophies between Chinese and American parents. Ms. Chua pursued the “Chinese” approach, demanding academic and musical excellence from her children, hours of daily practice and forbade her children from wasting time on typical childhood activities like sleepovers, playdates or watching TV.

Ms. Chua admits, however, that the cultural stereotypes of “Chinese” and “Western” parenting are not necessarily accurate and that both of these terms are applicable to people of many cultures. There are American parents who are more “Chinese” in their parenting approach and likely many Chinese parents who are more “Western” in their parenting approach. I submit that instead of cultural identity, this is really more about “perfectionist parenting.”

The author summarizes the main difference between Chinese and Western parenting as follows:

“Western parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.”

–Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

On the surface, this distinction doesn’t sound all that bad. I went into this book hoping to learn something about these cultural differences and expecting to come out with an appreciation for the different parenting styles. Unfortunately, I was not expecting the extreme to which Ms. Chua implements her parenting style and I can find little to say in support of the “Chinese” method she followed. Yes, her children are very accomplished people but due to both their genetic lineage from a long line of overachievers and the affluent environment they were raised in it is likely that they would be high-achieving kids even without their mother’s rigorous parenting.

If there is one word to describe the “Chinese” parenting method Ms. Chua describes, it is intense. So intense, that even if you wanted to use this book as a step-by-step guide for raising successful children, likely fewer than 1% of people would have the physical or mental stamina to do it. For an example of the type of hard work Ms. Chua expects of herself, consider her travel schedule below:

“[I]n addition to teaching a full course load and working with the girls on their music, I was constantly flying around the country giving lectures. I’d always find ways to compress trips to D.C., Chicago or Miami into one day. More than once, I got up at 3:00 a.m., flew to California and gave a lunch talk, then took the redeye home.”

–Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

The book does not detail an exact schedule for Ms. Chua but suffice it to say that the schedule probably involves getting up at 6 a.m. every morning to exercise, walk dogs, do work for her full-time job as a professor at Yale law school, attend her children’s music lessons to take detailed notes, musical practice along with her children for numerous hours every day (including weekends), do homework, supervise the Chinese language tutor, and research and schedule yet more activities and tutors for her children. Keep in mind, we haven’t even mentioned everyday activities like showering, cooking, cleaning, visiting the doctor, home and car repairs, etc. No wonder there isn’t time for playdates, TV or sleepovers! I am not even sure when this family sleeps.

However, there are probably at least some people reading this post thinking, “OK, so it might be challenging but yes, I think I could keep up with that schedule.” Could you be Tiger Mother material? Check the list below to see how many beliefs you share in common.

10 core beliefs of the Tiger Mother

1. The child is the extension of the self.
2. There is nothing better to spend our money on than our children.
3. I fetishize difficulty and accomplishment. Everything valuable and worthwhile is difficult.
4. I respect authority and seek out experts and authority figures.
5. I need clear goals and clear ways of measuring success. I don’t have time to improvise or make up my own rules.
6. It’s too idealistic to expect children to do the right things on their own. Also, if you force them to do what you want, you don’t have to be mad at them.
7. Childhood is a training period, a time to build character and invest for the future.
8. Children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.
9. Failure, or the possibility of failure, is not tolerated. The solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish, and shame the child.
10. I’m not good at enjoying life. Happiness is not a concept I tend to dwell on.

All of us likely have some Tiger Mother characteristics when it comes to a particular aspect of parenting but only Ms. Chua seems to apply this to every single aspect of her children’s lives. As I read parts of this book to my husband, he was astounded at some of the things Ms. Chua’s husband Jed put up with and indicated he would not tolerate her behavior. Courtland Milloy of The Washington Post felt similarly.

Ms. Chua’s two children responded differently to her parenting approach as well. Her eldest, Sophia, appears to be genetically wired very similarly to Ms. Chua, even from a young age. While it is tough for Sophia to keep up with her mom’s demands, you get the feeling that deep down she and Ms. Chua share the same mindset. You can read Sophia’s letter responding to criticisms about her mom here. Sophia was also recently admitted to both Harvard and Yale.

Younger daughter Lulu rebelled against her mother’s intense parenting style from an early age and there were many vicious fights between Ms. Chua and Lulu. Ultimately Ms. Chua backs off her demands with Lulu somewhat (although Lulu is still extraordinarily accomplished and disciplined by any standard). Lulu’s experience raises the question about whether the possible damage to self-confidence, suppression of individual dreams and setting the foundation that one of the most important loving relationships in your life is conditioned on your achievement is outweighed by giving your child opportunities for economic success and personal recognition. The world awaits Lulu’s response to her mom’s book.

This was certainly an engaging read and well-written. It also provides interesting insight into the exact amount of practice and discipline required to raise the “perfect” child as well as the parental time commitment required.

For more on the book, from the author herself, see her interview with Alison Stewart on PBS’ Need to Know below.

Watch the full episode. See more Need To Know.

Are you a Tiger Mother? Do you think Ms. Chua’s parenting approach is likely to become more commonplace in a difficult economic climate?  Please share in the comments.

I was recently contacted by yet another publicist, this time pitching a new book by psychotherapist and professor Nicholas Kardaras, Ph.D. about how the secrets of the ancient Greek philosophers could improve our health and happiness. Given my Greek heritage and this month’s theme on health, my interest in How Plato and Pythagoras Can Save Your Life was piqued.

The book turned out not exactly as I expected and the review that follows is going to stray a bit far from my usual organizational focus. How to describe this book? I’ll let the author speak:

“[W]hat kind of strange book is this? We have a book primarily about Greek mystical philosophy with an autobiographical intro that includes nightclub stories, recollections of all sorts of nocturnal candy along with a story about death and transformation and some explorations into new science. What gives?”

–Nicholaras Kardaras, Ph.D., How Plato and Pythagoras Can Save Your Life

A discussion on Greek philosophy? Perhaps you are thinking this is not your thing and will choose not to read further. If you are a person interested in organization, however, you may find it surprising to learn as I did that seeking order among chaos is one of the common characteristics of those seeking a deeper purpose in life. Wow! Yes, ruminate on that for a moment.

“[P]sychologically, we need the comfort of order; it soothes us like a mother’s embrace and makes us feel that the world is less threatening and that everything will be all right. Order, in its defeat over chaos, allows for the belief that there is, in fact, some sort of unifying purpose to help us make sense of our seemingly random universe. It’s with this quest to make sense of things—this need for order and purpose—that religion, science and philosophy come in. They give us interpretive and explanatory frameworks for a better understanding of our world.”

–Nicholaras Kardaras, Ph.D., How Plato and Pythagoras Can Save Your Life

The organization of this book is based on Dr. Kardaras’ experimental therapy wherein he asked 12 subjects, 6 men and 6 women to engage in readings on Greek philosophy, participate in discussion groups and engage in personal meditation exercises. At the end of the 8-week experiment, participants “indicated that they had more of a sense of purpose in their lives, felt more connected, experienced an increased sense of concern for others, and felt an increased sense of spirituality, as well as greater concern with social or planetary values.” Dr. Kardaras believes strongly that this practice of learning philosophy and personal meditation can result in “the Greek miracle,” a transformation of body and spirit to a higher plane of consciousness.

"Portrait statue of Plato along the balustrade. Library of Congress Thomas Jefferson Building, Washington, D.C." (2007). Photo by Carol M. Highsmith. From the Library of Congress Prints and Photographs Division.

I am not a great student of philosophy. I was required to take a year of philosophy as a freshman in college. At the tender age of 18, I was asked to read the texts of the great philosophers and then engage in discussions about the meaning of life with middle-aged college professors who had spent years studying the subject. It was a very confusing and overwhelming experience. Many of the texts made almost no sense to me at all. Often, what I thought was just a mythical story was actually a deep reflection on some fundamental truth of human existence. I mostly listened and took a lot of notes.

Dr. Kardaras’ book is nothing like my college experience. He breaks down the Greek philosophers’ ideas into easily understood concepts. He brings the philosophers to life with details about their personal lives. It would have been so helpful to me to have read this book before I undertook any study of philosophy and I imagine Dr. Kardaras is a very engaging professor.

From my own experience, however, philosophy is best absorbed when you are ready for it. It is hard to force someone to ponder questions such as “Is there a soul?” or “How can I prove that God exists?” if the person is not ready to take on the magnitude of that inquiry.

What can this book teach us about health? There were a few key insights for me:

1) There are two types of physical exercise. Pythagoras instructed his followers to engage daily in light exercise as well as physically demanding exercise. Light exercise was primarily for mental benefits:

“Initially, a person would take a reflective morning walk alone to compose his or her thoughts. The Pythagoreans thought it was essential to not meet anyone until ‘their own soul [w]as in order and [they] were composed in their intellect.’”

–Nicholaras Kardaras, Ph.D., How Plato and Pythagoras Can Save Your Life

2) Food is for the mind as well as the body. Pythagoras was a health food guru and semi-vegetarian, believing that you needed a strong, healthy body to have a healthy mind.

“For breakfast, he prescribed honey and bread. . . . For the later meals, bread was once again served, with cooked or raw vegetables. Meat (and not from all parts of the animal) was to be eaten on rare occasions. Pythagoras had also created a form of energy bar for those long hikes in the shrines.”

–Nicholaras Kardaras, Ph.D., How Plato and Pythagoras Can Save Your Life

3) Finding purpose in life is a critical component to health. Dr. Kardaras reveals in the short autobiography in the first chapter that he was only ready to undertake his study of philosophy after graduating college, rejecting a stable job for the thrill of opening a hot spot nightclub, succumbing to drug addiction and a near-death experience. The same thrill seeking that led Dr. Kardaras to open the night club is strangely similar to his philosophical quest. He clearly believes that deep study of philosophy could have the power to unlock hidden powers of the mind. While skeptics may disagree whether this is possible, Dr. Kardaras makes a compelling case that attempting to access this potential is the most thrilling human endeavor. Whether you find your purpose through philosophy, religion or science, having a framework to evaluate your life helps us to cope with adversity and find the inspiration to move forward in our everyday lives.

For those who are seeking a deeper purpose in life, Dr. Kardaras’ book provides an easily-accessible framework to contemplate the meaning of the universe. He gives sample meditation exercises to guide you in your own personal reflections. He will give your mind a workout with his discussions of science and philosophy. Ultimately, you will need to reach your own conclusions, which may differ from what Dr. Kardaras espouses but I think he would agree that his purpose is to guide you to your own sense of truth.

Have you found your life purpose? Do you agree that knowing your purpose impacts your overall health? Please share in the comments.

My Friday Fun post last week was postponed due to a minor transportation crisis (now resolved) that turned my life upside-down for 24 hours so this week we will have Fun Monday!

Recently, I was sent the great book, 150 Secrets to a Happy Wife by a publicist for sports-commentator-turned-author, Joe Gumm. In this book, Joe shares secrets to the success of his 14-year marriage to his wife, Alexa. Joe, who professionally lives in the testosterone-fueled universe of professional sports, is surrounded at home by four beautiful daughters.

“I certainly know females. I live with five of them. That means me and my neutered male dog, Grady, are the minorities. He and I are surrounded by pink stuff everywhere. We like to refer to our house as Planet Estrogen, and when we feel we need a shot of testosterone, we escape to the Estro-dome (better known as the basement) to watch SportsCenter.”

–Joe Gumm, 150 Secrets to a Happy Wife

What motivated Joe to write this personal book? It was his daughters.

“I love my girls to death . . . I’ve been involved in their lives from the very beginning and will continue to be involved until the day I die. That involvement will include helping to marry them off to the right men—something that could actually cause me so much stress, I might end up dying because of it. . . . So, in order for me to be less stressed, I plan on giving every young man who plans to court my daughters or even thinks about being in the same airspace as them a copy of this book.”

—Joe Gumm, 150 Secrets to a Happy Wife

It’s a bit tricky writing a romance and relationship advice book given the uniqueness of every couple. No two relationships are alike and every couple has different goals and personality quirks to contend with. Joe and Alexa’s relationship is based on a relatively traditional dynamic. Alexa sounds like she is a Texas beauty queen from Joe’s description.

“To this day, I’m still surprised [Alexa] agreed to go out with me on a first date, then unbelievably, a second one. Of course it didn’t take too long for me to realize two things: 1.) that she was young and naïve, and 2.) that I needed to act on that before it was too late and she realized she had made a terrible mistake. That point was made evident years later after we, as husband and wife, went to a company Christmas party. The next day at work, my colleagues crowned me as president of the “I married way out of my league,” club. . . . She captivated me with her smile, grace, love and beauty. I captured her with my comedy, my self-deprecation, my roofing job, the remedial courses I was taking at a community college, the 1978 Ford F-150 I had bought for $300, and my very large and very noticeable Adam’s apple.”

–Joe Gumm, 150 Secrets to a Happy Wife

The other dynamic that is very important in Joe and Alexa’s relationship is their belief in God, Alexa’s commitment to natural childbirth/homebirth and their role as a homeschooling family.

“[I]t was the unselfish move of having our children at home that made me realize my life was insignificant compared to [Alexa’s].”

–Joe Gumm, 150 Secrets to a Happy Wife

Not every couple is going to match up directly with Joe and Alexa and some of the general characterizations Joe makes about men and women aren’t going to fit every situation. Not every woman is a beauty queen or obsessed with appearances and not every man is obsessed with sports, for example.

But if you read the book with a more flexible interpretation . . . i.e. that these tips are not just for men trying to romance and impress their wives, but for couples in general to respect and honor each other and keep harmony in the relationship, there are a lot of gems to remember.

Things start simple:

#11: Wear your wedding ring—all the time.
#15: Look groomed

–Joe Gumm, 150 Secrets to a Happy Wife

There are some tips that are harder:

#40: Take her advice
#47: Stop comparing her to other women
#144: Be considerate of her temperature needs

–Joe Gumm, 150 Secrets to a Happy Wife

Even if you are satisfied with your relationship, these tips will be a good reminder of all the things your partner does to keep you happy—things that you may be taking for granted. These tips particularly hit home for me:

#21: Have that exam she’s wanted you to have
“Your wife wants to keep you around a while. She’s not ready for you to go just yet . . . She’s also sick of you complaining about the toothache you’ve had for six months now. Get it checked out.”

#77: Help her do the Christmas cards
“Next to hell, filling out insurance forms, being audited, and getting a root canal, I would say this is next in line. . . . “[H]ere we are celebrating the most joyous occasion on the planet, Christmas, . . . and my wife has chosen picture time to be the most stressed out. . . One particular time she not only bought the outfits in October, but we took the pictures in October. . . . [S]he had way too much time to think about ALL of the things she didn’t like about the pictures, so she went out and bought new outfits for the kids and we shot our Christmas pictures again, in November. And again, she was unhappy with the result. . . . [I]f [men] were in charge of this, no one would ever get that yearly reminder of what our family looks like.”

#84: Fill her car up with gas.

#91: Call her at home or work just because

–Joe Gumm, 150 Secrets to a Happy Wife

I was surprised to see so many of the tips related to cleaning and organizing. Organizing as a form of romance! A clean, ordered environment facilitates harmony in a relationship. Here are just a few of Joes’ cleaning and organizing romance tips.

#63: Get organized.
#41: Have a maid come in
#10: Clean parts of the house

–Joe Gumm, 150 Secrets to a Happy Wife

What really struck me most about this book is how deeply Joe Gumm loves his wife. He is willing to do all kinds of things to accommodate her needs first. I don’t know that every man needs to do all of the tips in this book. If my husband did all of them, I would frankly find it a little odd. I want my husband to be himself too and not just a slave to my needs (although it is a tempting proposition). However, this book is a great starting point for anyone looking to revive or maintain their relationship and the advice is funny, sweet and personal.

When I first saw the cover of this book, I wondered whether the attractive couple on the cover was Joe Gumm and his wife or just some professional models. It turns out it really is them! You can even see a glimpse of the entire adorable family in the pilot below for a reality television series the family is doing called, Traveling with the Tribe.

(The matching pink rodeo outfits Alexa picked for the girls are my favorite!)

This was a fun read and I encourage you to pick it up. I hope one day they publish a sequel with Alexa’s take on Joe.

What is your favorite romance tip? Please share in the comments.

OFUNATO, Japan (March 15, 2011) Members of Virginia Task Force 1 from the Fairfax County Fire and Rescue Department search for survivors in Ofunato, Japan, following a 9.0 magnitude earthquake and subsequent tsunami. Teams from the United States, United Kingdom and China are assisting in the search for missing residents. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Matthew M. Bradley/Released). From the Fox News Insider's Photostream, Flickr Creative Commons.

Change is hard. Change under stress is harder. Change under disaster conditions is devastating. The horrible confluence of events in Japan–earthquake, tsunami, radiation leaks—are on everyone’s minds lately. For Americans, the empathy for the Japanese people as well as the horrifying realization that even a developed nation can be fully consumed by disaster in an instant is almost too much to contemplate.

I had already planned to review a book discussing change in disaster circumstances, never expecting to have a real-time disaster to analyze it against. If you find yourself feeling a little detached from the horror of the disaster’s impact and the recovery efforts, Amanda Ripley’s The Unthinkable: Who Survives When Disaster Strikes—and Why helps to explain how most people process disaster situations and why change, or thinking of any kind, in these situations, is incredibly difficult.

In The Unthinkable, Amanda Ripley, a former senior writer for Time magazine, takes the reader through a series of chapters where firsthand accounts of disaster situations are interwoven with a discussion of emergency preparedness theory and practice. The reader walks down the emergency staircase of the North Tower with a 9/11 survivor, experiences the conflicting feelings victims of Hurricane Katrina, goes into the classroom with a survivor of the Virginia Tech shootings, and dives into the icy Potomac with a heroic rescuer bent on helping survivors from an airline crash into the Potomac River in 1982. Her storytelling is superb and her ability to extract fine details from the survivors paints a vivid picture of exactly what they thought was happening at the time.

From her research of both eyewitness accounts and emergency preparedness theory, we learn that most human beings are generally not all that good at disaster situations. We fall back on a lot of very primitive behaviors that may have been appropriate at some point in human history but are ill-suited for modern times.

First, it is hard for us to take any warnings or alarms seriously. Working against us is the “normalcy bias,” the tendency to think that everything is still OK because it always has been OK. This bias tells people, “It is OK to ignore that fire alarm or take my time getting out of the building because it has always been just a drill in the past.” “I don’t need to evacuate. I have survived a hurricane before.” Also working against us is peer pressure. We don’t want to look paranoid, alarmist or appear to be overreacting to our friends. Finally, working against us is that the alarms themselves often provide little valuable information.

“[T]he people in charge of warning us should treat us with respect. It’s surprising how rarely warnings explain why you should do something not just what you should do.”

–Amanda Ripley, The Unthinkable

Next, if we do heed the warning, we often do so in a lethargic way—stopping to gather supplies, turn off computers, and call friends or family. As I read this, I recalled the news story about a Japanese mother who stopped to get milk for her child instead of immediately evacuating and ended up tragically perishing in the tsunami.

We also are not so good at assessing threats, giving far more weight to threats created by humans than “old-fashioned risks like weather.” Notice how much the U.S. is worried about nuclear meltdowns and how little we are worrying about earthquake and tsunami preparedness for example.

Of course, sometimes we would be lucky to respond even in a lethargic way to a disaster. Our bodies can start to shut down under extreme stress, affecting our ability to reason or solve problems, causing temporary blindness or hearing “loss” or resulting in the loss of control of bodily functions. In especially dire situations where danger is clear and present, people often completely freeze up and do nothing or literally lay down and die waiting for the worst to happen. Movie stereotypes about people panicking, moving about and doing anything to cling to life it turns out are inaccurate. Many times, people just give up. They typically only snap out of this state when they remember their children or loved ones and they feel the need to survive.

“Paralysis seems to happen on the steepest slope of the survival arc—where almost all hope is lost, when escape seems impossible, and when the situation is unfamiliar to the extreme.”

–Amanda Ripley, The Unthinkable

When dealing with people who have either frozen or are prone to panicking in an emergency, often the most effective way to get people to snap out of this mindset and get them to do an effective and appropriate action is to yell, scream and be otherwise rude and insensitive to them! This is obviously counterintuitive to most of us. Ripley provides us with this vivid example:

“[M]embers of the Kansas City Fire Department rescue squad yell profanity-laced threats at [drowning] victims before they get to them. If they don’t, the victim will grab onto them and push them under the water in a mad scramble to stay afloat . . . [As one fire chief explains], ‘[I]f I approach Mrs. Suburban Housewife and say, ‘When I get to you, do not f***in touch me! I will leave you if you touch me! She tends to listen.”

–Amanda Ripley, The Unthinkable

Many airline flight attendants, for example, are trained to yell at you to jump down the inflatable slide quickly during a plane evacuation. Otherwise, too many people pause at the top of the slide for far too long, hindering the rescue effort of those behind them.

Our disaster response can also strongly be influenced by the crowds around us. Interestingly, we tend to behave ourselves in disaster crowds, helping others where we can. When I first read a story in The Washington Post (which strangely seems to have been removed from their website) about how kind the Japanese were to each other at disaster recovery camps, including remembering to recycle their garbage, I thought to myself, “That would never happen in D.C.” But it turns out that it probably would, here or anywhere! Ripley wrote about this in a recent blog post.

Is anyone naturally good in a disaster situation? It turns out yes. Ripley reports that one researcher, Paul Slovic, discovered that approximately 30% of men and, for unknown reasons, predominantly white men, “see very little risk in most threats.” Who are these men?

“They had a few subtle things in common. ‘They liked the world of status, hierarchy and power,’ says Slovic. They believed in technology.”

–Amanda Ripley, The Unthinkable

Additional studies on Special Forces soldiers showed that these men are chemically different as well. They produce high quantities of “’neuropeptide Y,’ a compound that helps you stay focused on a task under stress, among other things.” Psychiatrist Charles Morgan III found that he could identify which of a group of soldiers were members of Special Forces units just by looking at their blood. Further, Special Forces soldiers almost never “dissociated” from an emergency or stressful situation, such as reporting that things seemed to move in slow motion or seemed like a dream. Morgan developed a simple test that predicted with 95% accuracy whether someone would make it through the U.S. Army Survival School based just on their answers to his dissociation quiz.

If you found yourself watching the footage of the Japanese tsunami on television thinking it seemed unreal, like the waves were washing over some sort of dollhouse landscape and not the homes of real people, welcome to the dissociation crowd. Survivors reported dissociation as well:

“Akiko Sato, 50, fought to persuade her aged parents to evacuate, but they would not. As she packed a bag in her own Nobiru home, just steps away, she looked out the window. “I couldn’t believe what I saw,” she said. “It looked like almost hundreds of thousands of horses running towards me, like a computer simulation game.”

–”For survivors of Japan’s quake, tsunami, it’s almost too much to comprehend,” Times Wires, March 15, 2011.

The heroes of many disaster situations–those who put their own lives in danger in order to help others–also end up being predominantly male or as one researcher described them, “male, single, childless and young.” Ripley does a wonderful account of the psychology of the hero, concluding:

“[H]eroes feel a nonnegotiable duty to help others when they can . . . For certain people, caught in rare circumstances, heroism may be just as much a survival strategy as freezing; it’s a survival strategy not for the body but for the mind.”

–Amanda Ripley, The Unthinkable

For those of us who are not naturally good at disaster situations, it does not mean all hope is lost. Ripley argues passionately that all of us can become better at disaster preparedness through training and makes a fervent call to all of us to rethink our role in a disaster. Often the only advice we are given about emergencies is to sit and wait for help yet often this advice is unhelpful for survival. Educating ourselves about disaster situations and developing the preparedness tools mentally and physically to deal with these situations is the best option.

“These days we tend to think of disasters as acts of God and government. Regular people only feature into the equation as victims, which is a shame. Because regular people are the most important people at a disaster scene, every time.”

–Amanda Ripley, The Unthinkable

“All across the nation, we have snapped plates of armor onto our professional lifesavers . . . only after everything goes wrong do we realize we’re on our own.”

–Amanda Ripley, The Unthinkable

In a positive example of the power of training, Ripley reports that 100% of the residents of the city of Langi on the island of Simaeulue survived the Asian tsunami of 2004, despite having only 8 minutes from earthquake to tsunami. How? In 1907, a tsunami killed approximately 70% of the population of the island. Cultural memory never forgot this tragedy and generations of people were trained that as soon as the ground starts shaking you run to higher ground. Amazingly, almost 100 years later, the lesson stuck.

“Resilience is a precious skill. People who have it tend to also have three underlying advantages: a believe that they can influence life events; a tendency to find meaningful purpose in life’s turmoil; and a conviction that they can learn from both positive and negative experiences.”

–Amanda Ripley, The Unthinkable

I hope that Ripley’s words have given you a new framework to evaluate the information you see about Japan’s disaster recovery, to find hope in the despair and to further your own disaster preparedness. As we hope and pray for Japan’s recovery and future, I find comfort in one of the first quotes Ripley cites in the book from St. Augustine:

“This awful catastrophe is not the end but the beginning. History does not end so. It is the way its chapters open.”

–St. Augustine

Please share in the comments your reflections on Ripley’s ideas or your thoughts on the situation in Japan.